Gentlemen, right off the bat this is what I have to say to you. I am by no means a relationship expert (Steve Harvey – umm, may have to rethink that later) so if you’re looking to round bases that may very well depend on your game or just getting plain lucky on Valentine’s Day. If you are in the dog house I suggest that you be very priest like or learn how to paint toe nails even though I would much defer to sucking them instead. What the hell does Cupid know anyway? All is not lost however as I’m quite sure you are stressing because she’s special and you can’t really afford Prime 112 or the Setai. Face it; you feel silly right now because you just haven’t made a reservation anywhere. You’re stressed right now aren’t you? Alright so let me ask you this? What was that dish you used to make in college? No, no, no, not the Chef Boyardee in the can. You know the one I’m talking about. Yes, that wicked Shrimp Scampi, that fried chicken with warm maple syrup, that pan fried steak with the onions and garlic. Of course it was good then and I guarantee that with a little planning and a fraction of what you would spend going out Valentine’s Day you will have a more relaxed and enjoyable evening with her by making her dinner – Providing you don’t incinerate your investment like a hockey puck and get real cocky by bringing out the Foi Gras – unless of course you can burn like that, go right ahead. But here’s a simple tip: Keep it simple cupid! If all goes well and she’s still around next year (because neither you nor she decided to fire the other) then you have my blessings to call Chef Irie, he’ll hook it up for ya…oh yeah, this one will cost you :-).
I believe that the time spent together, stress free, is best. And lest I forget, do go and get her some flowers for God’s sake. Hey, if you just met stay away from the red roses, Tulips or Carnations might be better. Okay, so even though I say keep it simple that doesn’t mean it should not be sexy. Sure fire sexy! You need to hand feed her – this would be a good time to polish up those caveman like hands and mannerisms, because rough is unwanted. Tempt her with cheese. No, Kraft singles nor easy Mac does not count here! Use nice international blends; try serving warmed Brie with shaved almonds and grapes drizzled with honey. Oooh gooey, can you say yum? She will!! Feed her strawberries, chocolate covered strawberries. Peel a banana and dip it in melted chocolate then have her take a bite. Get some chicken tenders from the store, season them as you like then roll them in crushed chili cinnamon corn flakes and bake in the oven at 350 degrees for 10-15 minutes. When they cool, feed it to her. Let her feel spicy biting the warm and crunchy nuggets…Ummm, food porn is in full effect, heh. Why chili? It’s an aphrodisiac silly. Does she eat Asparagus wrapped with prosciutto? Aphrodisiac qualities once again mi boy. Even if you don’t believe that, you will be feeding her a meaty crunchy stick. Nibble nibble nibble…Fiyah!!! So, are you getting the picture yet? Turn it up a notch if you are actually cooking a meal; have her there in the kitchen as you finish that special dish you’ve been preparing for her. Have her taste a spoonful of that sauce for dinner later. I know you can picture it, spoon slides across her lips and into her mouth; those same sexy lips close around that spoon as you slooooowly remove it. With wine glass in one hand and the other under her chin she closes her eyes to enjoy the moment. Wonder what she’s thinking? Don’t ask, at least not yet anyway because she could very well be thinking damn that’s some good shit…or…that would have tasted so much better if I had licked it off his finger, ssssssttt, ummmm!!!. Enjoy the moment.
Keep it simple cupid!!, sounds crazy but it is true. Man to man, be yourself because if you’re forcing romance you only come off as a desperate sorry sap and then you would have blown all that hard work, even if it was just to get a great kiss at the end of the evening. And don’t get greedy either, because if you request the entire dish, you may just go home with a hungry belly. As they would say in Jamaica, dawg nyam yuh supppa!!!
Happy Valentine’s Day Y’all.
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